| oh, you didnt know? |
[Nov|21|2009] |
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on wednesday i will be at the ceremony to get sworn in to the army.
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| Im the king of this pity party |
[Aug|25|2009] |
SO.
- i start school in one week
- alicia and i have been together for 8 months.
- i may be moving, by november, to neveda
- i work for that clothing company
- i weigh 119 now
- alicia doesnt restrict me anymore now, i can smoke and drink and hang out with my friends as i please
- my sister is pregnant again, shes having another girl. the new baby and my niece are going to have the same age distance as me and my sister, she might name the baby after me.
- Inglorious Basterds, FUCKIN AWESOME MOVIE, Quentin Tarantino never fails to amaze me.
- I need money!!!
- I love life and have everything and everyone i need in it
<3
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| update agaiinnn |
[Jun|29|2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hungry |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Deadmau5 - Jump Around Remix |
] |
- i am starting school in fall
- i really wanna try out for volleyball
- my nonnie didnt find anything in ct, obviously.
- im pretty sure i have a job at whole foods in the bag
- this guy wants me to model for a clothing company, i go to his showroom tomorrow ( www.myspace.com/therichtastecollection)
- alicia and i are great except shes restricting the fuck out of me so i end up doing shit behind her back. i know its bad to do but when she can hang out with her friends and i cant? thats when i say fuck that.
- ive gone from weighing 135 to 121.
- prozac is actually really helping me
- i have a love/hate relationship with smoking. im fucked.
- i really really really am dying for sushi
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| update |
[Jun|15|2009] |
| [ |
music |
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Coheed & Cambria - Welcome Home |
] |
- i got back with alicia. make all the judgements you want! things changed and i am completely and utterly enamored with this girl.
- alicia and i opened a joined account at the bank because we're saving money to move in together
- after basically all my life not knowing her, i found my mother and am talking to her now with plans to go see her
- LA pride was fun, got super wasted with my girlfriend, made out with different girls cause she though it was hot
- alicia and i signed up for this porn thing, its couples who talk about their relationship then have sex. you get paid 3,000 dollars.
- i moved back to hollywood into my aunts house, things have been steady but i still wanna leave here
- my dad has less than 10 years to live if he keeps drinking and doing what hes doing, it hasnt changed anything.
- my nonnie is in CT right now looking for houses to buy, hopefully this time its not a load of bullshit.
- my sister is still a bitch
- i signed up for school, starting in fall.
- not so sure i wanna be a chef anymore.....
- i definately wanna start playing volleyball again
- im on prozac and trazodone
- i barely eat anymore
- i smoke cigarettes behind alicia's back
yeah, thats all for now
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| I'll show you mine, if you show me yours first |
[Mar|16|2009] |
| [ |
music |
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Rise Against - Swing Life Away |
] |
alright, so.
the whole time i was with alicia she said she wasn't talking to her ex.
i find out she is lying and is talking to her ex but alicia says it's only as friends.
i give alicia the benefit of the doubt only to find that she lied and was not talking to her ex just as friends..
we still stay together because i love alicia alot.
we break up, get back together, that whole thing. because she cant let go of the ex.
i find out the ex knows nothing about me, doesnt know that alicia and i have been dating and everything.
alicia and i break up for real, she moves back in with her dad.
i start talking to her ex, even though alicia asked me not to
and end up telling her everything,
i thought she was gonna kill me. she didnt.
she tells me lets get back at alicia.
so without alicia knowing that we know about eachother
we show up at her house and confront her.
alicia cries, the ex cries. i dont cry.
i finally make my needs important to me and tell alicia i dont ever wanna be with her again.
alicia is still begging me to be with her.
i have started to date her ex.
alicia doesn't know, if she finds out i think she'd kill me.
im not rushing into anything, just dating her.
she's super cute and isnt a fuckin liar.....
and she looks like a GIRL.
i dont think i'll ever date another dyke again..
i totally forgot what i was missing....
Carina...
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| the heart of me is strong today. |
[Feb|26|2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
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T.I. - Dead and Gone |
] |
so basically from november til the end of january things were perfect for me. i had an awesome job, i was making good money, i had a girlfriend and i was happy. for once i actually thought in my head wow, things are going okay for once, look at what i have now. i was thankful, i appreciated what i had........then it all fell apart...
i ended up getting laid off from my job because the other guy i worked with, his father bought the shop and said he only wanted his son working there, so i was out of luck, probably 3 days before my birthday too.
then there were all these unspoken problems with alicia, and when i did bring the problems up, alicia would get angry and we'd end up not getting anything solved. i was very patient with alicia, she's bi polar so i mean i dealt with the anger but i always knew in the back of my head she was talking to her ex gf. i found more than enough evidence for reasons to break up with her yet i didnt, because what alicia and i had was just not like anything i could describe. then about last week something happened that i still and probably never will know the truth about. so alicia and i are just officially broken up. which hurts alot. im not gonna lie it really really hurts. it hurts to know the whole time with me she was missing someone else and wanting to be with tthem while she would be laying in bed with me. alicia tells me she loves me too, and i mean i do know what its like to be in a situation where i feel very strongly for two people, but i know she loves that girl more than me. and having to watch my girlfriend go back to someone and be with them to get over them, it just doesnt make sense in my head....
but i guess some how i need to understand.
so already, i lost my job, i lost my girlfriend, things just went downhill so fast.
i cant get into school because the one i wanna go to is very expensive,
so lately ive been thinking about going to the army. they cant send me into battle because ive been on medication.
and they help you pay for school. i dunno. it's more of a last resort if i cant get my shit together.
i hate how whenever something gets bad for me....it gets REALLY bad. not just a little but everything gets fucked up.
and what even kills me more, is everyone that ive ever dated. even the girls that was like for 2 weeks,
every single one of them are in relationships. they HAVE veen in relationships, some for over a year.
yasmine, sara, mel, cassandra....all of them. they're all with just one person and its like shit is going great for them.
and it fuckin sucks to see that. im totally happy for them, i think its awesome, but it just sucks how it cant work out the same way with me.
when i know i want it more than any of them. i love being in love. id do anything to be with alicia....but i know there is nothing i can do.
once again im just stuck all by myself. and thats the part i hate. i hate being alone....
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| whyyy |
[Nov|17|2008] |
are girls so fucked up to me all the time?
its not like i even do anything wrong, or mean.
maybe im just too nice....
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| this is bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!! |
[Nov|2|2008] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crappy |
] |
so i've realized that even when i WAS with mel, it never really met my needs as far as affection went.
she'd come home from work and go right to bed, after i had been waiting since i had gotten off of work for her to come home.
i'd be so excited around the time she'd get home id go shower and put on body spray and make the room look all nice and just anticipate her coming home and giving me a hug and a kiss and cuddling with me in bed and watching tv.
i think thats what i miss most.
i really think thats what i need most in a relationship.
or just in general.
i LOVE LOVE LOVE to be hugged and give hugs and little kisses and play with eachother's hair and
feeling my lips getting hot from breathing on the back of her neck and getting dizzy in my head and that tight feeling in my chest like my heart is about to burst.
ugghhh :[
i just want to lay in bed with someone and hold them while we watch tv til we fall asleep.
just dream of their eyes looking at me when i wake up....
looks like now i wont be getting that for a long, long time now.
i hate sleeping in a bed alone...
for once i wish i could just find someone i can hold for as long as i want.
i need to stop looking for this.
but god damnit i hope this girl finds me soon :[
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| stupid |
[Oct|13|2008] |
i dont know why i put myself through this.
maybe its what i need.
maybe this is whats supposed to happen
but it doesnt mean that its not killing me.
ive cried and hurt more than i ever have.
more than sara, more than yasmine, more than anyone
my heart prays and screams and longs for you.
id do anything for you
despite all these things you have done to me.
this has been a little over a month.
and you feel that way for her?
how the fuck could you.
how could you do this to me.
how could you be so heartless
so cold
so inhumane
so....not who i thought you could ever be
youre my everything.
the light at the end of my tunnel.
what kept me going
and now im starting to fall apart
there is nothing at the end of my tunnel anymore
no reason to keep going
no will to keep moving on.
and everytime i think im gonna be okay
reality comes up and punches me in the throat and tells me youre never really coming back
that you are in "love" with someone who doesnt even fucking live in this COUNTRY.
you just dont understand....these feelings.
how filled my heart is with love for you.
my heart has your name carved deep into it and it will never go away
my love for you is grander than gold
more beautiful than the prettiest rose
bigger than the grand canyon
more powerful than the sun
and yet you turn away
you give up on me and turn your back because you wouldnt even try
wouldnt even say anything the second you though something way even wrong.
i did nothing to you but love you and try to make you happy
i did nothing but what you wanted
gave you nothing but what you wanted
i'd walk deserts, swim oceans, tread millions and millions of miles for you
and after all of this i still would
i STILL would. after all this. going through this.
im sure it seems like nothing to you. because youre never aorund me.
never there for me, like you said you'd always be.
and you havent been, not once, not ever
and never will be.
and you wont always care for me
becuase if you did, youd atleast try to comfort me in someway shape or form.
you barely even talk to me now, and for what?
because YOU fucked me over?
this doesnt make sense.
this is not real.
im not real.
i need to get out of here.......
i need to get out
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[Aug|27|2008] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 mischievous |
] |
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| all her systems go, this one she's out of control |
[Aug|16|2008] |
| [ |
mood |
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crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Scary Kids Scaring Kids - Snake Devil |
] |
she's just a snake, a snake devil
my life is in all different directions.
i'm torn between starting school or putting it off to get another job.
i totally need money, but i do wanna start school...
i put my dad in jail for hitting my grandma.
it doesnt look like it but that bruise was the blackest bruise i have ever seen
umm, my sister's birthday is coming up...she's gonna be 22, which is a TRIP
i'm going to san diego and mexico with mel next week.
mel and i are a whole nother story in itself
i am now on a leash with who i talk to.
and i feel like such an asshole for saying that because the day before this happened
i told yasmine she HAD to talk to me. and now look at me not being able to talk to her.
well you, i know you'll read this sooner or later yasmine.
and i admit ive been avoiding you but its only because i dont know how to tell you i cant talk to you
when i made a big deal about you not talking to me.
and just what happened with mel there was no way i could win.
she basically broke up with me because the people i was talking to (you, sara) and it hurt her feelings.
and that was something she didnt admit to me.
so i broke down crying my eyes out and just tried to explain to her that things werent how they seemed, but i got no where.
Mel cried, i cried, it was just a whole bunch of crying and me being a pussy.
she even told me i could still stay at her house without being with her and i
told her i wouldnt stay at her house if i couldnt be with her. it was just alot of emotion.
and i know you would've done the same, you did do the same when Ny didnt want you talking to me...
i hope you somehow understand. and i know when time allows it im gonna talk to you again.
this doesnt mean i hate you, this doesnt mean i dont personally wanna talk to you.
it doesnt mean i dont think about you. it just means for now, at this moment i cant talk to you.
i'm in a bind. it wouldnt be so hard if i didnt LIVE here you know? if i didnt have a life already established.
i really hope you just understand where im coming from....and im sorry for this.
i'm just trippen out on everything right now.
i miss my neice. i miss my sister.
i miss matt, i miss bayley, i miss my friends from hollywood.
fuck it, i have today and tomorrow off.
let's DRANK?!
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| he walks you say sit down, its just a talk.... |
[Jul|16|2008] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 weird |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
how to save a life |
] |
"read this cause in a few days i'll completely remove you from my life so you can go ahead and have everything you've always wanted. "
everything i've always wanted
has always been too far to have.
and everytime i tried to get it,
it always stepped one more foot away from me.
being too afraid because they thought too much
and didnt just DO.
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[Jul|2|2008] |
i take too many things for granted....
im going to try and start appreciating what i have and not focusing on what i want.
my dad lost peanut.
im going up there friday to confirm this,
if that is that case, i will NEVER speak to my father again. serious
fourth of july is coming up and its bringing back thoughts and memories.
i wonder if i'll even get a phone call.
i just spent 2 hours cleaning the fuck out of my car.
nonnie is coming home next tuesday
i hope i can pick her up from the airport.
mel is going to be home from work soon
i better straighten up our bedroom...
i miss my sister and my niece.
im hungry.
next rave : july 12 & 19
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[Jun|29|2008] |
i hate not having money.
my car got all fucked up and its costing 860 something dollars to fix it.
my aunt is paying for it but wants 200 from me. which i dont have..
so my nonnie is giving me the 200.
and the last thing i want my nonnie to do is give me MORE money.
she's still in connecticut and her brother died last week.
i hate to hear her crying on the phone.
im gonna make things up to her somehow..
her birthday is at the end of july.
i went to a rave lastnight. ive been wanting to go to it forever
but decided not to cause mel was iffy about it.
but i ended up going.
and NOT doing drugs, despite the fact that about 99.99%
of the people were all on something.
i ended up seeing marissa....which was weird cause i didnt think she'd go to a rave
and even if she did what were the chances of me seeing her?!
and i saw jacob and cynthia. which made me really happy but really sad cause i miss them.
i didnt see hope though, thats probably a good thing since all that drama.
other than this things really couldnt be better.
Mel is the most AMAZING girlfriend in the whole world.
ive gotten a pretty sweet ass tan from going to the beach only 2 times.
the fuckin pool is finally open in this damn gated community we live in. or something.
and yeah. i seem to be getting more hours at work.
i took a shift on 4th of july cause mel is working so i might as well too
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